Campus Barista John Gondelman desperately hopes you’ll ask for his number while he makes your coffee. Though his burning desire for you to make a move consumes every fiber of his being, he cares about the quality of his product and won’t let it alter his milk steaming routine.
“I wish there was some way to communicate my willingness to be hit on without actually saying or doing anything,” the sad little boy lamented while waiting for a Frappuccino to finish blending. “Instead I end up meekly holding eye-contact for too long and getting flush in the face.”
Much preferring for you to read his mind and act like you’re in a romantic comedy, John hopes not to repeat the mistakes of the past. “Once I was so overly concerned with thinking of something sexy and witty to say, that I put 2% instead of almond milk in this girl’s latte. By the time I had the perfect line she was on the floor in anaphylactic shock, and then I knew something had to change.”
He resolved to assume a monk-like passiveness when clocked in to avoid similar scenarios in the future. Limiting himself to being openly desperate outside of the workplace has improved John’s latte-foam exponentially, but leaves a hanging question mark over his off-the-clock love life. “All the media I consume forcefully tells me that flirting with the ‘cute barista’ is the start of most marriages, so if you don’t make a move I’m screwed.”
Despite the ever-increasing likelihood that he’ll die alone, John does his best to see the glass half full. “Best case scenario, I find my soulmate. Worst case scenario, you get an amazing cappuccino. It’s a win-win if you think about it hard enough.”